Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
