a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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