I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
