You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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