from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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