I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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