Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
