good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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