That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
