someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
