Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just high enough for therapy.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
