Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My cat gives me a boner
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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