WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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