I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
