someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
