woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
