1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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