I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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