Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
