Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
try to milk me bitch
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
