she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
