I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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