i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He better not be in your backpack
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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