can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
