I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
