Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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