cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
