Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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