I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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