just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
