Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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