Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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