I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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