I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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