maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I FOUND THE LEGS
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
