I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
i now understand why vodka
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
