Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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