The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
