I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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