I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
