Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
