Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I cut my penus on the lid.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
