when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
