I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
