so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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