My sheets look like a crime scene.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
