allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
