Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
