it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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