I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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