you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
