I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
