i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
