how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
