Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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