Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
