I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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